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fh_alumni2007-02-13 11:28 pm
emo-padawan.livejournal.com) wrote in fh_alumni2007-02-13 11:28 pm
Entry tags:
Imperial Center [galaxy far, far away]
This is how it feels to be Darth Vader.
You look into the mirror for the first time since Mustafar and don't recognize yourself. Your hands are no longer your own—you can't grip things on the first try. You are three inches taller than you had been, and have—temporarily, you pray—lost your usual grace. And when you look at the reflection of the stranger you have become, you cannot even see your own eyes. The helmet that helps you see, helps you hear, helps you survive, will cover your face forever.
And if you didn't hate Obi-Wan so much for what he's done to you, you'd almost be grateful for it. You stare, and you memorize the face before you, and you come to understand that there is nothing left of the man who used to be Anakin Skywalker.
There is nothing in the terrifying visage that would ever hint that the man underneath was ticklish, or used to practice using the Force by making balls of glitter, or could laugh until tears streamed down his face.
There is nothing of a son, of a friend, of a husband, of a father, in that mask. And all of your rage and all of your hatred and all of the power you should have had if you were whole again and not this half-droid monstrosity…none of it can change that.
There is only you now.
Alone.
In the dark.
Forever.
And that's all that will ever be left.
And so in your furnace heart, in that ball of rage that is all that was once left of a Jedi, you take the parts of your old life and you try to erase them all. You try to forget Tatooine and the Temple, Naboo and Fandom, thousands of memories and hundreds of faces.
But it doesn't work. You close your eyes and Padmé's face haunts you. Your ears still ring with Obi-Wan's final plea. Look too long into nothing and you see the Temple younglings, illuminated by the sickening glow of your lightsaber.
You remember all of it.
And you always will.
And the hatred you feel towards Obi-Wan for letting you turn out this way, the rage you feel towards Palpatine for laying this, the perfect trap…it pales in comparison to the enormous mountain of self-loathing you have for yourself.
The shadow is all you have left.
And so you wrap it around yourself, cloak yourself in that pain and that hatred and that rage.
And go off to inflict it upon the rest of your galaxy.
This is how it feels to be Darth Vader.
...Forever.
[OOC: And now that I have brought Anakin full circle, this is his final entry as an alum. *sobs* The "this is how it feels" concept lovingly borrowed from the mighty Matt Stover who wrote the Episode III novelization and was the reason I began to love this deeply flawed and frustrating character to begin with. Hope I did him justice.]
You look into the mirror for the first time since Mustafar and don't recognize yourself. Your hands are no longer your own—you can't grip things on the first try. You are three inches taller than you had been, and have—temporarily, you pray—lost your usual grace. And when you look at the reflection of the stranger you have become, you cannot even see your own eyes. The helmet that helps you see, helps you hear, helps you survive, will cover your face forever.
And if you didn't hate Obi-Wan so much for what he's done to you, you'd almost be grateful for it. You stare, and you memorize the face before you, and you come to understand that there is nothing left of the man who used to be Anakin Skywalker.
There is nothing in the terrifying visage that would ever hint that the man underneath was ticklish, or used to practice using the Force by making balls of glitter, or could laugh until tears streamed down his face.
There is nothing of a son, of a friend, of a husband, of a father, in that mask. And all of your rage and all of your hatred and all of the power you should have had if you were whole again and not this half-droid monstrosity…none of it can change that.
There is only you now.
Alone.
In the dark.
Forever.
And that's all that will ever be left.
And so in your furnace heart, in that ball of rage that is all that was once left of a Jedi, you take the parts of your old life and you try to erase them all. You try to forget Tatooine and the Temple, Naboo and Fandom, thousands of memories and hundreds of faces.
But it doesn't work. You close your eyes and Padmé's face haunts you. Your ears still ring with Obi-Wan's final plea. Look too long into nothing and you see the Temple younglings, illuminated by the sickening glow of your lightsaber.
You remember all of it.
And you always will.
And the hatred you feel towards Obi-Wan for letting you turn out this way, the rage you feel towards Palpatine for laying this, the perfect trap…it pales in comparison to the enormous mountain of self-loathing you have for yourself.
The shadow is all you have left.
And so you wrap it around yourself, cloak yourself in that pain and that hatred and that rage.
And go off to inflict it upon the rest of your galaxy.
This is how it feels to be Darth Vader.
...Forever.
[OOC: And now that I have brought Anakin full circle, this is his final entry as an alum. *sobs* The "this is how it feels" concept lovingly borrowed from the mighty Matt Stover who wrote the Episode III novelization and was the reason I began to love this deeply flawed and frustrating character to begin with. Hope I did him justice.]